Tag Archives: Hard times

Better Days

f2a543087be1f253b8b42bd1a25bb44fYesterday I was watching Goo Goo Dolls concert on Yahoo! Live. Goo Goo Dolls is one of my favourite bands of all time. Their song Better Days brings so much memories. When this song first came out, I was in middle school. I kept listening to it through out my high school years. When the lead singer was singing it yesterday and said “Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days” I remembered when I used to sing along and believed wholeheartedly in this line.

When I was a teenager and a high school student, I would ask myself “when will this period of my life end?”. I wanted to finish high school quickly so that I can go to college, and after graduating I would land an amazing job and be an independent adult. I was naïve; I thought that my senior high school year was the worst time in my life. I had hopes for the future, and I’d never imagined that this is how things will go.

I wanted these days I’m living right now to be the “better days” that I was waiting for. I am lucky that for sometime it was, but then things took a different turn. I am now picking up the pieces of my shattered life. I still have hope that someday I will be living the “better days”. If I ever lose this hope, life would be meaningless.

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The Pity Party Is Over!

It’s been almost a year since I graduated college, and it hasn’t been an easy one at all. When I first finished college, I was so excited about what the future holds for me and I thought I will conquer the world. Little did I know that I will end up unemployed, separated from my family, losing my social life, and confused about every single decision I’ve made.

I graduated on the 25th of June, 2013. I had plans set; finding a part-time job while going to a  grad school. I knew what I was doing with my life and how exactly it’s going to go. I applied for a graduate school, and I was sure to get accepted because I worked so hard during senior year to get a high GPA. Most of my college professors and teaching assistants expected a bright future ahead of me, even my college mates did. I had the world at my feet.  Suddenly, everything changed and I no longer knew what I was doing.

When I was writing a draft of my statement of purpose for the graduate school, I stopped and put the pen down. I stopped to question everything. Why am I applying for this graduate school? What is it that I have to offer to the Computer Science field? I had no idea how to answer those questions. It was the moment that I remembered how I do NOT like this field, and it’s not what I want to do with my life. Then I thought it will be crazy to change fields, and I should just stick to computer science. I moved back to the country where my family lives. I applied for a job at one of the schools there. It was a boring desk job that I quit two days later.

After that I thought I should better continue my studies than get a job right now. I decided to go back to my country and apply for grad school in the college I graduated from.  I thought it will be easier for me as I am already used to the place and I know the teaching staff there and maybe they will help me to find what I should be doing in this field. So I flew back to my country. At that point, things seemed promising.

I applied for a new master’s degree program at my college. I cancelled my application in that other college because I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted. I mean I couldn’t even write a proper statement of purpose. Anyway, I waited for a reply. Then the program launching was postponed to fall of 2015. I was doomed; I had no plan B!! This meant that I had to wait a whole year!

I didn’t want to get a job in the computer science field. I don’t want to sit in a cubicle all day doing what my boss telling me to do. I also couldn’t apply for other graduate schools because at that point it was past the application deadlines. So I just curled up in a depressed ball and shut myself away from everything and everyone because the real world didn’t turn out to be the way I pictured it.

I felt that I am a victim of circumstances. I felt that I lost control of the stirring wheel, and I didn’t know where life was taking me. I couldn’t pinpoint where I went wrong. I started thinking hard and deep. I listened to  my heart and tried to understand what it’s trying to tell me. It was telling me that I should start doing what I really want to do. I thought and thought for a long time until I realized that what I want to do is to study Psychology. I want to be a psychologist. It’s been something that I wanted to do since I was a middle school kid. I have no idea what happened, but it seems that along the way I forgot that this is what always intrigued me. Then I decided I will quit the computer science field for good.

I started looking for good psychology schools where I live to apply for. I found few, but I don’t have money to pay the tuition fees for four years. I told my family about my decision to switch fields but I got a reaction that I wasn’t expecting. They thought it’s a stupid idea to start from scratch in a field that is not exactly one of the hottest right now (especially that I already have a bachelor degree in computer science). Then I knew I wasn’t going to get any support, neither financially nor emotionally.

I got even more depressed. I started reflecting on my life and I found that I am losing everything. I have no job, my future is hazy, my friends are busy with their careers and lives, my family is living in another country, they don’t support my decisions, I started to gain weight during the last few months, I stopped exercising, I don’t take care of my health like I used to, and nothing was left for me except a degree that I don’t know what to do with.

After many sleepless nights and rough lonely mornings, I decided to stop this. I decided to gain back control of the situation.  I want to be the same girl I was in 2013. I want to be healthy again, I want to set goals and reach them, I want to be optimistic, to be active, to be alive! I promised myself now that I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams. I will use my degree and the skills I have to get a job even if I don’t like it; It will be temporary until I have enough money to pay my college fees. Then I am going to study psychology. I will not let circumstances control my life, I will do something about it.

Yes, I am jobless, lost contact with all my friends, can’t see my family, have no idea where I’m gonna be next year, but my life is great! I know that I sound now like a naïve princess from a Disney movie, but it’s true.  I did learn a great deal during this past year. I just want people to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is always there, but we can’t see it if we kept looking down. So negative thoughts, I am gonna have to ask you to leave because this pity party is over.

Announcement

I am starting a new category on this blog. I am going to publish posts by others who have a story to tell or an advice to give. The topic has to be related to the topics on this blog. It can be an article, a story, a poem, a photo, or any other form of art. The category will be named Feature Friday. Anyone who would like to participate can send me their submission to my e-mail address bitrol.wordpress@gmail.com.

Thanks.