The Pity Party Is Over!

It’s been almost a year since I graduated college, and it hasn’t been an easy one at all. When I first finished college, I was so excited about what the future holds for me and I thought I will conquer the world. Little did I know that I will end up unemployed, separated from my family, losing my social life, and confused about every single decision I’ve made.

I graduated on the 25th of June, 2013. I had plans set; finding a part-time job while going to a  grad school. I knew what I was doing with my life and how exactly it’s going to go. I applied for a graduate school, and I was sure to get accepted because I worked so hard during senior year to get a high GPA. Most of my college professors and teaching assistants expected a bright future ahead of me, even my college mates did. I had the world at my feet.  Suddenly, everything changed and I no longer knew what I was doing.

When I was writing a draft of my statement of purpose for the graduate school, I stopped and put the pen down. I stopped to question everything. Why am I applying for this graduate school? What is it that I have to offer to the Computer Science field? I had no idea how to answer those questions. It was the moment that I remembered how I do NOT like this field, and it’s not what I want to do with my life. Then I thought it will be crazy to change fields, and I should just stick to computer science. I moved back to the country where my family lives. I applied for a job at one of the schools there. It was a boring desk job that I quit two days later.

After that I thought I should better continue my studies than get a job right now. I decided to go back to my country and apply for grad school in the college I graduated from.  I thought it will be easier for me as I am already used to the place and I know the teaching staff there and maybe they will help me to find what I should be doing in this field. So I flew back to my country. At that point, things seemed promising.

I applied for a new master’s degree program at my college. I cancelled my application in that other college because I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted. I mean I couldn’t even write a proper statement of purpose. Anyway, I waited for a reply. Then the program launching was postponed to fall of 2015. I was doomed; I had no plan B!! This meant that I had to wait a whole year!

I didn’t want to get a job in the computer science field. I don’t want to sit in a cubicle all day doing what my boss telling me to do. I also couldn’t apply for other graduate schools because at that point it was past the application deadlines. So I just curled up in a depressed ball and shut myself away from everything and everyone because the real world didn’t turn out to be the way I pictured it.

I felt that I am a victim of circumstances. I felt that I lost control of the stirring wheel, and I didn’t know where life was taking me. I couldn’t pinpoint where I went wrong. I started thinking hard and deep. I listened to  my heart and tried to understand what it’s trying to tell me. It was telling me that I should start doing what I really want to do. I thought and thought for a long time until I realized that what I want to do is to study Psychology. I want to be a psychologist. It’s been something that I wanted to do since I was a middle school kid. I have no idea what happened, but it seems that along the way I forgot that this is what always intrigued me. Then I decided I will quit the computer science field for good.

I started looking for good psychology schools where I live to apply for. I found few, but I don’t have money to pay the tuition fees for four years. I told my family about my decision to switch fields but I got a reaction that I wasn’t expecting. They thought it’s a stupid idea to start from scratch in a field that is not exactly one of the hottest right now (especially that I already have a bachelor degree in computer science). Then I knew I wasn’t going to get any support, neither financially nor emotionally.

I got even more depressed. I started reflecting on my life and I found that I am losing everything. I have no job, my future is hazy, my friends are busy with their careers and lives, my family is living in another country, they don’t support my decisions, I started to gain weight during the last few months, I stopped exercising, I don’t take care of my health like I used to, and nothing was left for me except a degree that I don’t know what to do with.

After many sleepless nights and rough lonely mornings, I decided to stop this. I decided to gain back control of the situation.  I want to be the same girl I was in 2013. I want to be healthy again, I want to set goals and reach them, I want to be optimistic, to be active, to be alive! I promised myself now that I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams. I will use my degree and the skills I have to get a job even if I don’t like it; It will be temporary until I have enough money to pay my college fees. Then I am going to study psychology. I will not let circumstances control my life, I will do something about it.

Yes, I am jobless, lost contact with all my friends, can’t see my family, have no idea where I’m gonna be next year, but my life is great! I know that I sound now like a naïve princess from a Disney movie, but it’s true.  I did learn a great deal during this past year. I just want people to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is always there, but we can’t see it if we kept looking down. So negative thoughts, I am gonna have to ask you to leave because this pity party is over.


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