And on this fine summer day the only thing that’s missing is company.
Today marks the end of my first post-college year. I’ve been through the hardest and most confusing year of my life. I first thought that this is the worst year ever. I felt that I’ve hit rock-bottom and there’s nothing lower than that. The only question that went through my mind day and night was “Why?”. I kept wondering why this is happening to me. And why me?? I mean look at everyone around, they’re all busy doing something useful in their lives. I am not a lazy undetermined person who just wants to stay at home all day watching TV!! I am a hard worker who wants to accomplish something. But as everything else that happens to us in life, this was just another experience. It was a massive bump in the road, but it wasn’t for nothing.
I’ve already mentioned in a post before the story of how I ended up like this. Today I want to talk about what I gained from going through such an experience. A year of unemployment right after college sounds like a nightmare that a person can get nothing good out of. But I did. I’ve learned maybe the most important lessons of my life so far.
I’ve spent the majority of this year in solitude. You can imagine how hard it can be to transform from an active college student with a fairly good social life to an unemployed isolated adult. No you can’t! You can’t unless you’ve been through it, or something similar. It messes with your head. It makes you depressed and unable to think clearly, or sleep peacefully, or want to wake up in the morning. It was a psychological turmoil. I can’t write about my emotional ups and downs in details because it will take me a whole post to do so, but I can only tell you what I got out of it.
A break for my mind
I was very busy during the last year of college. Most of the day was spent in classes, and at night I would stay up till late hours to study and finish required projects and papers. I rarely had time to relax. And even during my free weekends I’d probably go out somewhere with family or friends, and that somewhere is probably a crowded place because I live in the city. I was so used to the fast noisy busy city life, which made my staying at home kind of a trauma to me. At first I didn’t know what to do with my time. I have no schedules and no deadlines to meet; I have no structured days. It made me think about our lives and how we live it. This was a break for my mind. It allowed me to see that there’s more to life than being busy 24/7. It taught me that we need to relax and have fun. It was good to take some time off the stressful days. I had more time to do what I like, and even learn new things. I started catching up on the books I had on my to-read list, enhanced my poetry-writing skills, learned baking and improved my cooking, started learning Italian, and of course started this blog.
Another thing I was able to do is reflecting on my life. Given lots of free time, I had a chance to do a lot of thinking about how my life has been so far, the wrong decisions I made, the mistakes I learned from, what I really want to do with my life, and what should be my next step. It was a spiritually rewarding year.
Peace with my person
I spent most of the time alone (I didn’t have any other choice), and that allowed me to get to really know myself better. You think you can know who you are from others’ opinions of you, but that could be far away from the truth. We all have some kind of a dark side that we might not be aware of. Spending our time being busy working or hanging out with other people doesn’t give us the chance to confront the dark depths of our personality. By hanging out with myself I was able to make peace with my person. It wasn’t easy at first, not the least, but eventually we became best friends.
More understanding and less judgmental
Being an unemployed fresh graduate put me in an awkward position. When my friends ask me that annoying question “so what do you do now?” the only answer I have is “nothing!”. But that’s the short answer; the real answer is a long story that I can’t keep telling every time someone asks me that question. This taught me that sometimes we don’t know what others might be going through; we don’t know everyone’s story, so we shouldn’t make assumptions based only on what’s apparent for us. I learned that I have to be more understanding and less judgmental of others.
Things we take for granted
Losing almost all the things I cherish in life was one of the difficulties I faced this year. However, it made me appreciate every little thing I have and every small blessing I’ve been given. There are lots of things we take for granted in this life, and I had the time to look around me and observe these things and be thankful.
Finally I would say that as much as this year was hard, it was a fruitful experience. What comes to my mind when I think about it is a quote from Batman Begins movie that says “And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
My favorite book is Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray (I highly recommend this book). You might’ve heard about this character before or even seen the latest movie adaptation starring Ben Barnes and Colin Firth. Basically, this Gothic Fiction book narrates the story of a young man, named Dorian Gray, who was blessed with striking good looks. An artist, Basil Hallward, was fascinated with his beauty and decided to draw a portrait of him, and this is how it all started. Lord Henry Wotton, a friend of Basil, had a talk with Dorian about youth and beauty right before he saw his portrait. This talk definitely corrupted Dorian to some degree so that when he saw his graceful painted face he said:
“How sad it is! I shall grow old, and horrible, and dreadful. But this picture will remain always young. It will never be older than this particular day of June. . . . If it were only the other way! If it were I who was to be always young, and the picture that was to grow old! For that — for that — I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the whole world I would not give! I would give my soul for that!”
And yes, Mr. Gray’s wish came true. He continued to be young and handsome while the painting became old and hideous with his sinful deeds. Without going into further details, I just want to take Dorian Gray as an example of a person who was a victim of vanity. He thought of superficial beauty as the most important thing in a human being (thanks to Lord Henry of course!). So what I want to discuss is the outer and inner beauty and how we perceive each.
You can’t help but be overwhelmed by the amount of emphasis on outer beauty in the media and among your friends and people you know. They seem to concentrate too much on this and forget that what really defines us is who we are from the inside rather than how we look on the outside. The truth is your looks are something out of your control; it’s the way you were created. On the other hand, your personality is how you choose it to be. I am not saying that you should throw your mirror from the window and forget your grooming routine. No, I am saying that you should pay more attention to your personality, attitude, and values.
People were created different. You are beautiful on your own way. And as they say “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. There are no fixed beauty standards. Only society and media wants you to believe that. That’s pretty shallow, don’t you agree? The only reason why you should go out everyday wearing nice clothes, with a decent haircut, and looking great is to feel good about yourself. It doesn’t matter what look you choose, just be yourself. Being yourself isn’t just about the outside, but also, and more importantly, about the inside. As human beings, we should aim to become better people. We should try to find different ways to become a better version of ourselves. This could be in the form of helping others, being a good listener, participating in community work…etc.
I’d like to give you a tip for developing your character in a constructive way. It’s simple: identify your positive qualities and feed them, detect your negative traits and suppress them. I bet you’ll find that you have a lot of fine traits which will make you motivated to change the bad ones. This way you can become a better person without the harsh negative self-criticism. The key is to know that you are special in your own way. You just have to find what you are good at and enhance it. As for the things you don’t like about yourself, you need to find a way to turn it into something positive.
Trust me, taking care of your inner beauty will be rewarding. People will respect you and see the true you. You will feel good about yourself because people will like you for who you really are. When you achieve that, you will stand out between others. When you have a pure heart and good intentions it does show on the outside. Finally, always remember that “True beauty is not outer appearance, it’s located in the heart and soul, reflected in one’s eyes.”
Do we have to lower our expectations as long as we live so that we don’t get disappointed or heart-broken?
It’s been almost a year since I graduated college, and it hasn’t been an easy one at all. When I first finished college, I was so excited about what the future holds for me and I thought I will conquer the world. Little did I know that I will end up unemployed, separated from my family, losing my social life, and confused about every single decision I’ve made.
I graduated on the 25th of June, 2013. I had plans set; finding a part-time job while going to a grad school. I knew what I was doing with my life and how exactly it’s going to go. I applied for a graduate school, and I was sure to get accepted because I worked so hard during senior year to get a high GPA. Most of my college professors and teaching assistants expected a bright future ahead of me, even my college mates did. I had the world at my feet. Suddenly, everything changed and I no longer knew what I was doing.
When I was writing a draft of my statement of purpose for the graduate school, I stopped and put the pen down. I stopped to question everything. Why am I applying for this graduate school? What is it that I have to offer to the Computer Science field? I had no idea how to answer those questions. It was the moment that I remembered how I do NOT like this field, and it’s not what I want to do with my life. Then I thought it will be crazy to change fields, and I should just stick to computer science. I moved back to the country where my family lives. I applied for a job at one of the schools there. It was a boring desk job that I quit two days later.
After that I thought I should better continue my studies than get a job right now. I decided to go back to my country and apply for grad school in the college I graduated from. I thought it will be easier for me as I am already used to the place and I know the teaching staff there and maybe they will help me to find what I should be doing in this field. So I flew back to my country. At that point, things seemed promising.
I applied for a new master’s degree program at my college. I cancelled my application in that other college because I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted. I mean I couldn’t even write a proper statement of purpose. Anyway, I waited for a reply. Then the program launching was postponed to fall of 2015. I was doomed; I had no plan B!! This meant that I had to wait a whole year!
I didn’t want to get a job in the computer science field. I don’t want to sit in a cubicle all day doing what my boss telling me to do. I also couldn’t apply for other graduate schools because at that point it was past the application deadlines. So I just curled up in a depressed ball and shut myself away from everything and everyone because the real world didn’t turn out to be the way I pictured it.
I felt that I am a victim of circumstances. I felt that I lost control of the stirring wheel, and I didn’t know where life was taking me. I couldn’t pinpoint where I went wrong. I started thinking hard and deep. I listened to my heart and tried to understand what it’s trying to tell me. It was telling me that I should start doing what I really want to do. I thought and thought for a long time until I realized that what I want to do is to study Psychology. I want to be a psychologist. It’s been something that I wanted to do since I was a middle school kid. I have no idea what happened, but it seems that along the way I forgot that this is what always intrigued me. Then I decided I will quit the computer science field for good.
I started looking for good psychology schools where I live to apply for. I found few, but I don’t have money to pay the tuition fees for four years. I told my family about my decision to switch fields but I got a reaction that I wasn’t expecting. They thought it’s a stupid idea to start from scratch in a field that is not exactly one of the hottest right now (especially that I already have a bachelor degree in computer science). Then I knew I wasn’t going to get any support, neither financially nor emotionally.
I got even more depressed. I started reflecting on my life and I found that I am losing everything. I have no job, my future is hazy, my friends are busy with their careers and lives, my family is living in another country, they don’t support my decisions, I started to gain weight during the last few months, I stopped exercising, I don’t take care of my health like I used to, and nothing was left for me except a degree that I don’t know what to do with.
After many sleepless nights and rough lonely mornings, I decided to stop this. I decided to gain back control of the situation. I want to be the same girl I was in 2013. I want to be healthy again, I want to set goals and reach them, I want to be optimistic, to be active, to be alive! I promised myself now that I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams. I will use my degree and the skills I have to get a job even if I don’t like it; It will be temporary until I have enough money to pay my college fees. Then I am going to study psychology. I will not let circumstances control my life, I will do something about it.
Yes, I am jobless, lost contact with all my friends, can’t see my family, have no idea where I’m gonna be next year, but my life is great! I know that I sound now like a naïve princess from a Disney movie, but it’s true. I did learn a great deal during this past year. I just want people to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is always there, but we can’t see it if we kept looking down. So negative thoughts, I am gonna have to ask you to leave because this pity party is over.